The other day, I got really angry. I was having a crappy day; my computer crapped out, the bank called saying that student loans took a payment, which put my account over the limit, and from there every little thing after that started bothering me.
I was yelling at the washer because the load I had in it was too big. I yelled at the computer because even after a re-install of Windows it still crapped out. I threw a cardboard box.
In short, I flipped out.
While re-installing Windows I took out my notebook and started writing random thoughts. Here they are, with a piece I started working on based on the random thoughts.
proper reaction?
anger
bitter
frustration
over reaction?
doubt
NO regrets
money
NO money
no one understands
no one wants to hear about it
do people understand?
why is life like this?
who is to blame?
what is the solution?
what do i need to do to make me happy?
do people want to hear about it all?
what do people think?
what do Mom and Dad think?
I don't care what people think
Do I care what people think?
I DO care what Mom and Dad think
Do I go back to what I hate to achieve balance?
I have no regrets in life. None whatsoever. That includes any and all personal choices I've made.
Let's start with relationships. Not such a big deal. I'm only 35. For the last 5 years (at least), I've done nothing at all to be in a relationship. I gave up on it to try and get my education. So the relationships I've had pretty much came before I was 30. A high school romance probably being the most serious. Sure I probably could have been someone who married his high school sweetheart (not saying that it was ever discussed, but had I remained in the relationship, who knows?). But when it's all said and done, relationships end. You move on. None of the relationships I've been in even register on the radar any more. Names aren't important. Numbers aren't important. I've had a few relationships and now I'm single. That's all that really needs to be said about that.
Let's now look at school. I first went to MUN in 1991. When I went there, all my high school, and more importantly my long-term buddies went too. Glenn. Dave. Kevin. Blair. Back then I didn't know what I was doing. I was glad to have my friends there to have lunch with and to study with. But my education was a total disaster. By 1995 I was a university dropout, and my friends were graduated and moving on to other opportunities. There is an interesting question that I think about, and as I said already, I have NO regrets, but I always wonder: what would I be doing this very second, had I graduated back in 1995? I highly doubt that I would be writing, and there is a very good chance I would not even be in St. John's. Fast forward 10 years. In 2006 I finally went back to MUN. And everyone knows the results of that decision.
Jobs. From 1990-2001, I worked at Dominion. While I was in Grade 12, right through to 2001, when I finally had enough of being blamed for other people's shortcomings. A series of equally unsatisfying jobs followed, until I got to Sears. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Once I left there and went to MUN, the only job I had was working in the lab. A great job; it allowed me to be on campus, to get my work done when it was slack there, and to have some pocket money. But the MUN connection ended in August 2008. After that, I literally bummed around for a few months. Started volunteering with Rogers on "Out of the Fog". It wasn't until after Christmas that I landed a bit of freelance work with Water Werks.
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I could have written this post. It's uncanny. I have no money, and often, I do feel quite alone and like no one understands. All of my friends and colleagues are buying homes and such, and I'm still mired in student debt.
ReplyDeleteMy 7th anniversary of working at Corel is next month. This was supposed to be a short-term fix to get me out of retail jobs while I found my career. 7 years later, and here I am.
I'm thinking the same things as you at the moment. Do I move home and get a job? Do I move home and go to school? Do I stick it out here? Do I stick it out here and find another job? Is any one of these options better or worse than the others? Who the heck knows?
I look around at people I work with, and they do seem to have their lives together. One girl today was showing me the boots she got on sale. They were originally 300$ and they were almost half-price! I was thinking, "Um, yeah, I could buy $150 boots, but I would have to forgo a cable bill or a loan payment or something." I know that there are challenges in raising kids, being married and being a homeowner, I just feel like such a dork when I compare myself to them.
The people who have all those things may not be in such wonderful circumstances...after all, most people don't go into a real estate office and slap down $200 000 in cash for a house, or into a car showroom and slap down $30 000 for a new car. It could be that their parents helped them, of course, but they're making payments like everyone else. I have a feeling that most people's lives "look" enticing, but under the surface, maybe not.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, its pointless to compare to other people. For example, someone my age would by now have probably owned at least half a dozen cars. I've never even owned one, and to be honest, don't feel the lack at all. Granted, living abroad, where having a car is difficult and probably unnecessary, gives me a different viewpoint (if I was at home, I'd have to get one). The point is: what is the definition of "success"? A house, a car (truck), and a big screen tv? I'm not so sure.
I remember reading a something that goes like this: "As tough as it is to acknowledge, you had to go through what you went through in order to get where you are today, and the evidence is that you did."
Also, I'm not even really a homeowner, since Li Li's name is on the loan documents, so I own nothing as of yet :)