Sideburn-o-matic

For anyone who thought my sideburns were too long, what about this guy?

Poetry? Part Two

Another angry poem. Sorry for the negativity. There will be some positive poems and stories coming soon!

ANGER MISPLACED
Blood boiling white hot.
Mouth curling at the corners like well-worn paper.
Fists clenched in rage.
The danger is obvious.
The risk is evident.
The desire to hurtle headlong into him is overwhelming.
Hatred.
I despise him.
Why?
How can I hate him?
What did he ever do to me?
Driving.
Necessary.
Yet we are all in a hurry.
Rushing around in constant motion.
A race.
To get ahead.
To be first.
To get somewhere.
But really to go nowhere.
No one more important than the other.
Yet we take no heed of others each day.
For the sake of being first.
And to win.
The race to the next light.
Anger subsiding.
Rage disappearing.
Fists unclench.
Mouth uncurls.
Can’t smile.
Can’t be angry.
Yet feeling calm.
Knowing that his fate is out of my hands.
My anger is misplaced.
My ego is my own to control.
I am at peace.
Until next time.

Poetry?

With an English degree you'd think I'd have studied more poetry. Alas I only experienced a little, mostly prof's throwing in some poetry with the short stories or novels we were studying.

So, keep that in mind when you are reading this.

And please be honest and critical in your comments. It was a fun experience to write this. I have a few more done as well, and will be sharing them here at some point.

THE LATE MARCH SUN

Hopeless.
Lost.
A dark empty feeling.
Alone. Surrounded by nothing.
A positive voice. An encouraging word. A smile.
The happiness is non-existent.
The hope is fading.
The dream is dying.
Reality sets in like the setting of the late March sun.

Boring.
Routine.
A mind-numbing feeling.
Alone. Surrounded by nothing.
A surly voice. A sour word. A frown.
The happiness is gone.
The hope has faded.
The dream is dead.
Reality has set in like setting of the late March sun.

Money?
Possessions?
A warm, fuzzy feeling?
Together? Surrounded by something?
A happy voice? A loving word? A kiss?
Is this the happiness?
Is this the hope?
Is this the dream?
Will reality set in like the setting of the late March sun?

Going to what is familiar.
Listening to what is comfortable.
No help.
Talking to close friends.
No help.
Avoiding those who seek what I don’t have.
Wishing it would stop.
Hoping it will change.
Looking to make things right.
Watching.
Waiting.
Hoping.
For the setting of the late March sun.

Lucifer with Beard

Not sure if this is the beard photo you are talking about Bob, but thought it was a nice addition to the other photos! I'm guessing that toy is long gone now eh?!

Behold the wrath of Lucifer!!!

I have always secretly hated people who would talk to their pets as if they were babies. I hated people who dressed their dogs up in sweaters, jackets, booties and other 'people' clothes. I especially hated when people would refer to themselves as "Mommy" or "Daddy" when talking to their dogs.

Well, I have become (almost) everything I hate. I do talk to my dog sometimes as if she's a kid, although, she was barking at the park yesterday, and I said, "Dude! Keep it down!" So, it's not always baby-talk, I guess. I do call myself "Mommy" as well. I have resisted the whole 'dressing up' thing, though, with one or two exceptions.

That huge disclaimer of sorts was to let you all know that Lucy Noseworthy has turned 5! She's 5 years old! Her birthday was March 19th. We celebrated with a jaunt to Petsmart, where she got a manicure, pedicure, and a nice crunchy bone. She was not pleased about the whole mani/pedi thing.

But here's a pic or two of my girl. She really is a good friend to her "Mommy."

Mom, don't listen to this one....

Ok, so I am not being held responsible for the topics discussed in this week's podcast. It gets a little out of hand. That's what happens when there's beer, mojitos and wine about. We talk about everything from Sesame Street to swearing to dog sex. Again, I wish I was joking.

Thanks to everyone who made some comments on our efforts so far. Take a listen when you have the time.

Choosing a president

This is an article I wrote to The Telegram, hoping to join the Community Editorial Board.

There are no garish campaign signs obstructing the small patches of grass at intersections. The general public doesn’t get to vote. We aren’t forced to bear with unfulfilled promises. This is not about which party to choose. Nor is it about political loyalty.

It’s the search for a new president (academic) for Memorial University.

The search has gone from big news (thanks to Education Minister Joan Burke), to practically no news, (Memorial’s own Alumni Association has opted not to comment on the matter.)

To many this is not important news. The hormone receptor test problem is a much larger and more worrying issue. The country is gearing up for a fall federal election. It’s understandable that most people’s minds are on other matters.
But a recent newsworthy event in our province may play a large role in the stalled presidential search. For those connected to Memorial, it is an event that could have implications on exactly who lands the job.

On August 22 Premier Danny Williams announced that the Hebron oil field will be developed. After years of uncertainty, Newfoundlanders are finally able to talk feel confident about the revenue that this will bring to Newfoundland.
Hopefully it will bring expatriate Newfoundlanders home from Alberta.

It will bring hope and financial stability.

But what it shouldn’t bring is a new president of Memorial. At least not one who is in some way connected to Hebron and is only given the job for political reasons.
The president of Memorial has to be someone who has the best interests of the entire university at heart. Someone who maintains Memorial’s solid reputation as the place for Newfoundlanders to get their post-secondary education. Someone who will attract new students from all over the world. The new president of Memorial needs to draw more attention to the benefits of the Arts Faculty, to allow all of its students to have the best equipment, the best instructors and educators, and the most up-to-date and relevant information.

To achieve these goals Memorial needs money, which means Memorial needs the provincial government.

But if the government wants to become involved in the search for a new president, it’s essential they don’t take control of the process. Allow Memorial to maintain its autonomy. Allow the university to choose the best person for the job.

Not someone who is put there because of oil money.

Sorry for the F**KING rant

I do apologize for venting about my job & money problems. I am still pretty angry about it all, but this week I am going to dig down & get as many resumes out as I can.

On to better & more important things.

I'm going to post more of my writing starting today. I have a folder full of works in progress, some completed stuff, and some school work. I figure why not share it with everyone.

Did not meet the requirements

So apparently I did not meet the requirements to work at Convergy's. Oh. I am devastated. As much as I need a job, as much as I need to start bringing in money, I am SO F***ING GLAD that I did not get hired.

That's not to say I am not mystified as to how I did not meet the requirements.

THEY TRAIN YOU TO MEET THE REQUIREMENTS FOR F**K'S SAKES!

Not to mention I have worked in a call center before. That little fact seems unimportant to them.

There was some math on the online test. I know I failed that part. I am certain I did because I sat cursing at my computer screen and proceeded to guess the answers.

Did I seal my own fate by doing that?

Yes, most certainly.

Do I care?

F**K NO!

But that still doesn't solve my money woes.

It's looking more and more like I will go back to school.

Or, if anyone wants to start contributing to the "Geoff R. Noseworthy Get Me The F**K Out Of Here" Fund, let me know, and I can tell you how to send in your donations.

"Bad Dates"

I've put "Bad Dates" in quotes because it reminds me of Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy is about to eat a date but Sallah catches it, saying, "Bad dates." And there's my nerd moment for the night.

If you've read any of my previous posts, you may have noted that I'm a single gal. Sometimes I don't mind being a solitary soul. I can stretch out in bed and sleep (being 5 feet tall, that's really important), I can burp out loud (really loud sometimes), and I can take epic long showers without worrying about saving the water for someone else. The rest of the time, though, it does get a little lonely.

To that end, I've been sort of actively dating. Ugh. I even hate the word 'dating', but it's a necessary evil. Well, I HAD been actively dating. I haven't really been pursuing the whole 'date' thing, and well, to be honest, no one's knocking my door down, so it's been a while.

I swear, I don't mean these posts to sound so darn pitiful!!

So, you're probably thinking that if I get back on the proverbial dating horse and get myself out there, I'll have no problem getting dates. Sometimes, this is true. I do get asked out from time to time. To be honest, I've been a little soured on the whole thing due to some less-than-stellar dates in the past little while. I thought I'd tell you about a couple here not as a 'poor Sandi' kind of thing, but as a cautionary tale to those thinking of casting their line into the dating pond. Wow. I'm full of folksy metaphors tonight.

Let's examine the case of...wow. I actually can't remember his name. Let's just call him Pablo. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so I put myself in "What the hell, you never know what may happen" mode. We decided to meet at a Starbucks. The Bells Corners Starbucks, actually, scene of many a Sandi and Paul excursion. I got there first, which I hate, but what the heck. I ordered a tea, and sat and waited. I saw him walking towards the door, so I stood up. He walked towards me, smiling, and he said, "Sheri!" really loudly. I stopped dead in my tracks. "Um, no, Sandi." I replied, eliciting a big smile from the lady waiting in line for her drink. We were off to a great start! He apologized, and I went to sit down while he got his coffee. He got to the table, sat down, and just looked at me expectantly. "Um....so......how's your day been?" I asked. I guess the 'conversation' part of the date was up to me. He answered, and then he sat there, looking at me. "Um, so......" This went on for at least 15 minutes. I thought of every bloody question I could!

At one point, he leaned back in his chair, and as he did, his hand brushed his Extra Large coffee, and it spilled all over.....me, of course. The bottom quarter of my pants were soaked, as well as my shoes. My SHOES!! More apologizing. We cleaned things up, and he sat back down, looking at me. Good Lord, man! Talk about something!!! It was infuriating!

He excused himself to go to the bathroom, and while he was gone, I thought, "Thank God. We're finished our drinks, I can bow out of this with some dignity intact." He returned, clapped his hands together, and said, enthusiastically, "Well, where should we go next?" I was stunned. He thought this was going well! I made some excuse about having to get home, and I walk-ran to my car and got the heck out of Dodge.

Next, let's talk about Wii Man. No, he was not a 'little person' from that Jackass show, he was a grown man who talked my ear off about his Nintendo gaming system. He mentioned that he was a gamer before we met, but I've dated guys into video games before, and it was not all they were into, so I thought it was okay. We got to Starbucks (a different one this time) and got our beverages and sat down. He started the conversation, which seemed great at the time, but which I regretted soon after he started talking. He asked, "Have you ever played the Nintendo Wii?" I answered, "No, I haven't." Now, a normal person would probably take that as a cue to either talk about something else, or mention a few things about the Wii before finding some common ground to discuss. Not this fellow, my friends. He went on, and on, and on about the Wii and how awesome it was, as if he was employed by Nintendo and needed to recruit customers. The best line was, "My Mom can play this game, so you certainly should be able to." His Mom. He went there. After 45 minutes of Wii talk, I had to get out. He was pleasant and everything, but who on earth could stand all of that Wii talk??

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had some good dates in all of this, but the disasters seem to outweigh the gems at the moment. It really doesn't make a girl want to rush right out and do it again. So, the dating is waiting until I'm really wowed by someone, or until Gerard Butler calls. One or the other.

Anyone else have any dating disaster stories to share? I am glad I have bad date stories to share, but I think it would make me feel a little less pathetic if there was someone else out there who has suffered or is suffering through it too.

Happy St.Patricks Day...NOT Shamrock Day! :-)

Here are a few pictures from today's parade!

Shamrock Day?????

I was lying in bed this morning, listening to the radio while I willed myself to get up. They have this segment on my radio station of choice, LIVE 88.5 called "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly." Each of the hosts relays a story, either good, bad, or....you get the idea. The 'ugly' story this morning was about St. Patrick's Day. Apparently, there's been a bit of a movement to call it "Shamrock Day" rather than St. Patrick's Day so as not to offend anyone who does not believe in saints, or Catholicism, I guess. Shamrock Day. I'll let that sink in for a moment.

Now, I'm all for being politically correct and trying not to offend people. When you live in a conservative town like Ottawa, you really do have to watch your ps and qs sometimes. Having said that, What. The. Frak. Are non-Catholics/Christians really that upset that some people celebrate the feast day of St. Patrick? Is the sight of green cards in the card shop really that offensive? It's not even a statutory holiday outside of Ireland and Newfoundland, as far as I can tell (I'm sure I'm wrong, but you get the point). Here in Ontario, it's a day like any other, and I'm at work. I just happen to be wearing a green sweater. No one is forcing anyone to drink green beer or sing "Danny Boy."

The bottom line is that days like today, and Christmas and Easter, are so widely celebrated because they are part of the belief system that our countries, as we know them today, are built on. The English, Irish, French, Spanish were the ones that came over and colonized our countries, and brought the religion and culture of the countries they left with them. They have been celebrated for decades, even hundreds of years in some cases. Imagine a large group of Irish-Canadians uprooted themselves and settled in Lebanon or China or Ethiopia. Could they all of a sudden demand that no one mention Id or Chinese New Year or Kwanzaa? Would they have to change the names of their holidays and celebrations? Would Chinese New Year simply be called New Year so as not to offend the non-Chinese people living in China? It would never happen, and you'd be laughed out of the country for even suggesting it.

So why do we North Americans of European descent buckle under when pressured to avoid saying the "C" word when December 25th rolls around? Do I really have to say, "Happy Holidays!" to people instead of "Merry Christmas?" If a Jewish person wished me a "Happy Hanukkah", I wouldn't demand they apologize. We should all become more aware of the diverse cultures and religions that make up our communities, but sometimes it seems to me that I'm expected to open my mind and learn about other people's cultures, but they aren't always expected to learn the existing cultures. That might sound small-minded, but it's just this girl's opinion.

I'm off to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I think there's a green beer somewhere with my name on it.

Applying myself

Well I have to say I'm sad that it's come to this, but I applied to some retail & call center jobs yesterday and today. Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Rona (Chester Dawe). Convergy's.

I have pretty much hit rock bottom.

I am not at all happy with this. It feels like giving up on any chance to have a career in writing. It feels like taking a massive step back after taking such a massive step forward. The demand for money made me go in this direction. No money coming in, and an increasing urgency for money going out. I might not have the expenses everyone else has, but it's all relative. And remember, while some of you might have more expenses, you are working and earning some kind of pay check, or are in a situation where you have someone else to support you. (Yes, I have Mom and Dad at the moment, and they have helped a lot. But they're not going to help forever.)

Feeling pretty low about all of this. Don't really know what else to do.

Yes I'm Still Here!

Just in case anyone was wondering I am intending to post something soon. The St. Patrick's Day Parade is coming up on Tuesday and I intend this year to go along with the masses of taller then me loud pushy parents and children to take pictures. I will post some up as soon as I get some. That's if I can see over the railings!

Who Watches The Watchmen?

A podcast, you say? What a fabulous idea. What? You talk about that awesome new movie, Watchmen? Fantastic! Witty banter? Awesomesauce. Birthdays? Wicked. Obscure 80s teen actors? Wow. You guys are just the living end. Where can I check out this wondrous podcast? http://sandiandpaulcast.podbean.com? I'm so there.

RPM Jukebox is up!

Hey music fans!

The RPM Jukebox is back online. There is a lot of great music worth listening to and it's all free. It's quite amazing what ordinary people can accomplish musically when unbound by fame, reputation, money, executives and their demographic filtering, and the general indifference of top 40 craptaculance. For those of you unable to download our music you can stream it directly from the jukebox here.

While you're there, check out this album by the very talented Michael Kirby, a work friend of mine who has helped us a lot in making our album.

Have fun!

P.S. For those looking for our lyrics, I put them in a comment to Geoff's album review.

Vitamin N - Moments: A review (by a professional writer)

Listening to your work as I type, Allyson & Terry.

Track 1 - Etched: Love the percussion. Like the guitar as well, especially that riff that comes after the chorus.

Track 2 - Star: Great job on the vocals Terry.

Track 3 - Goodbye: I'm reminded of Blue Rodeo, which is not a bad thing at all. Vocals, music all solid.

Track 4 - Begin: A short, yet fun song. Would like to have the lyrics to this (and all) song(s).

Track 5 - Ceased: My favorite song on the album. Love the guitar.

Track 6 - Improv Smile: Great instrumental. The only two-word track on the album. Where you guys listening to a lot of Collective Soul when you recorded this? (Curious to see if anyone gets what I mean WITHOUT looking up CS's discography!)

Track 7 - Phone: I apologize for not remembering your 3rd contributor's name, but a great job on vocals on this track.

Track 8 - Moments: Finally! We get to hear the youngest Noseworthy sing! Nice job Allyson. Like the guitar at the end a lot too.

Track 9 - Time: I was expecting a cover of the 1973 Pink Floyd classic. Good song, and I like the piano playing a lot. Cool ending too. Maybe a nod to PF after all eh?

Track 10: Time (A Reprise): Another short track, but nice job on piano & vocals.

Overall a fantastic job guys. Well-played and well-written, especially considering the short amount of time you had to do it.

More thoughts on a page

When we last left the riveting details that are my life, I was talking about jobs.

Where am I going with this tail of woe and misery you may ask? Well, how much of it is misery? What do I have to be miserable about? Isn't that fact that I have my health, my family and friends enough?

In a word, no.

When times are tough, someone will always say 'someone out there has it worse than you.'I'm sure that there are millions of people out there who have it a lot worse than I do.

But I have one word to say to that response:

Bullshit.

Sure, lots of other people don't have jobs. Are single. In debt. Unhappy with their working situations. I'm not alone in that at all, and never claimed to be.

But all I have to say to that is I don't give a shit about anyone else. My problems are my problems. The only other people's problems I care about are my friends and families. So the fact that there are 'people' out there that have it worse than me doesn't hold much weight with me as an argument for me 'cheering up', or 'looking on the bright side', or some other corny, useless saying. And don't forget, I'm a guy who knows about holding weight.

I know what I have to do. I have to get a job. That will get the creditors off my back. It will end the annoying phone calls. I'll hopefully be able to start saving some money and repairing my credit enough to look at getting a loan so I can finally move out. Start a relationship. Get a car. Be my own man.

But at what cost? Am I supposed to sacrifice that last three years just so I can have these things? Once that happens, will I be happy now that I'm just like everyone else?

No, I won't.

Because I don't want what everyone else wants.

In fact I don't really know what I want. Yet.

But I do know what I don't want.

Right now I don't want to get married. Or have kids. I have yet to travel anywhere. I have yet to live on my own. I don't think I want my first experiences in those areas to be with a wife or a family.

To some that may be surprising, but besides my not taking a job for the sake of taking a job I really feel strongly about this. I'm happy for all of my friends and family who have chosen this route. I'm glad to have gained new family members and friends through this process.

But it's not for me.

And I don't know if it ever will be.

I do intend on writing Part 2

I will have a follow-up to my previous post, hopefully by tomorrow. It's good for me to get this out, even though most of you (if not all) know the story.

Stay tuned for more ranting & roaring.

The Torture Never Stops

That song title's just for you, Geoff.

There's a brand-new Sandi&PaulCAST on our site! Stroll on by to hear Paul talk about his many neuroses when he's out in public, and my chat about MQP band. It's all gold, I tells ya! The audio is pretty bad, I will admit, as we tried a new set-up, but stick with it. We'll make sure the next one is much better, sound-wise.

Click here for the Sandi&PaulCAST, putting the 'dumb' back in random conversation.

Thoughts on a page (Part 1)

The other day, I got really angry. I was having a crappy day; my computer crapped out, the bank called saying that student loans took a payment, which put my account over the limit, and from there every little thing after that started bothering me.

I was yelling at the washer because the load I had in it was too big. I yelled at the computer because even after a re-install of Windows it still crapped out. I threw a cardboard box.

In short, I flipped out.

While re-installing Windows I took out my notebook and started writing random thoughts. Here they are, with a piece I started working on based on the random thoughts.

proper reaction?
anger
bitter
frustration
over reaction?
doubt
NO regrets
money
NO money
no one understands
no one wants to hear about it
do people understand?
why is life like this?
who is to blame?
what is the solution?
what do i need to do to make me happy?
do people want to hear about it all?
what do people think?
what do Mom and Dad think?
I don't care what people think
Do I care what people think?
I DO care what Mom and Dad think
Do I go back to what I hate to achieve balance?

I have no regrets in life. None whatsoever. That includes any and all personal choices I've made.

Let's start with relationships. Not such a big deal. I'm only 35. For the last 5 years (at least), I've done nothing at all to be in a relationship. I gave up on it to try and get my education. So the relationships I've had pretty much came before I was 30. A high school romance probably being the most serious. Sure I probably could have been someone who married his high school sweetheart (not saying that it was ever discussed, but had I remained in the relationship, who knows?). But when it's all said and done, relationships end. You move on. None of the relationships I've been in even register on the radar any more. Names aren't important. Numbers aren't important. I've had a few relationships and now I'm single. That's all that really needs to be said about that.

Let's now look at school. I first went to MUN in 1991. When I went there, all my high school, and more importantly my long-term buddies went too. Glenn. Dave. Kevin. Blair. Back then I didn't know what I was doing. I was glad to have my friends there to have lunch with and to study with. But my education was a total disaster. By 1995 I was a university dropout, and my friends were graduated and moving on to other opportunities. There is an interesting question that I think about, and as I said already, I have NO regrets, but I always wonder: what would I be doing this very second, had I graduated back in 1995? I highly doubt that I would be writing, and there is a very good chance I would not even be in St. John's. Fast forward 10 years. In 2006 I finally went back to MUN. And everyone knows the results of that decision.

Jobs. From 1990-2001, I worked at Dominion. While I was in Grade 12, right through to 2001, when I finally had enough of being blamed for other people's shortcomings. A series of equally unsatisfying jobs followed, until I got to Sears. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Once I left there and went to MUN, the only job I had was working in the lab. A great job; it allowed me to be on campus, to get my work done when it was slack there, and to have some pocket money. But the MUN connection ended in August 2008. After that, I literally bummed around for a few months. Started volunteering with Rogers on "Out of the Fog". It wasn't until after Christmas that I landed a bit of freelance work with Water Werks.

The Wait Is Over

I found a file hosting website to make the album available. So without further adieu I present to you Vitamin N's "Moments" in all it's sonic glory:

download link

Feel free to share it with your friends if you deem it worthy.

Enjoy.

Losing My Mind!!!

I don't know if it's just me, but do you really start to lose your sense of recall as early as thirty or is there some other reason for my lack of general concentration? Case in point: I'm at work and I just took a call from an older gentleman buying tickets for a Symphony show. He wanted one adult ticket, one student ticket and two senior tickets. Between the time he told me and the time it took me to bring up the seating plan screen, I had already forgotten how many he wanted of any kind. The actual time that passed was something like five seconds and I still couldn't keep it straight in my head. Besides the fact that he got unnecessarily annoyed with my lack of recall, I started to wonder... how many times has this happened to me recently? As it happens, it has been a few too many times for my liking. It's like I'm in a fog, and I can see and hear what's happening, but none of it is staying with me. Another good example: Terry and I wrote approximately six songs in the month of February and I still can't tell you most of the lyrics or even remember what lyrics are from which song!
My co-workers can attest to this anomaly as well. I forget things they tell me in conversations all the time. I forget people's names, birthday's and even some things I've told people as well. I mean, I've pretty much been in a daze since September, but you'd think I'd be able to remember what some old man told me only five seconds before right?
I guess that's it. The youngest Noseworthy is losing her mind, slowly but surely. Then again, do I really want to remember how many tickets a customer wanted to buy? Surely there are more important things that I could fill my head with.... like what's happening on Coronation Street, or knowing that America is named after Amerigo Vespucci. I can still kick Terry's butt on Jeopardy, but I can't remember what he said to me during the commercial break. That doesn't bode well, does it?

Punch It, Chewie!

When I was a kid, I loved being on stage or in front of people. I didn’t really get terribly nervous about dance recitals or school plays. I seemed to be able to just shut out most of the worry and fear of what may go wrong and just perform. Mom may remember that differently, but I don’t recall being particularly nervous.

I would usually be the one thrust in front in dance shows, partly because I did tend to remember the routines quite well, and also because I would smile and perform. I’m not saying I was a fantastic dancer or anything, but I would look as though I was enjoying myself on stage. I remember being told that I was like this from dance teachers and also from a school teacher of mine whose sister was in my dance school. He would make a point of telling me how much he enjoyed the dance I was in, and that I was smiling and having fun throughout. Once, he even did this while I was with a girl from my dance class, and he didn’t say anything at all to her. She was pissed.

I liked reading aloud in class, and I liked being asked to take on special tasks. I loved being the announcer at church, I loved being on the radio in university. While my stomach would be doing flip-flops, I still did enjoy playing in a big hockey or soccer game, or being asked to referee a playoff or a final. I knew that I could handle it.

Now, though, I seem to have forgotten all of that. I forgot the confidence I had when it came to being in front of a crowd or performing something. I have an almost crippling fear that I’d mess up, look like a moron, or just plain fail. I don’t want to be in situations where I have to talk or present in front of people. I feel almost like I’m going to throw up when I’m forced to do anything about it.

I don’t know when that switch was flicked, so to speak. I can’t put my finger on when all of this mattered to me so much. I worry that if I write something and put it out there for people to read that they’ll laugh, or think I’m stupid, or not read it. I can’t even be silly in front of my friends, for God’s sake! Whenever I’m in a position to be silly, like on my podcast, I can’t do it. My mind is working overtime and I stress over whether or not I’m funny or interesting or smart. I can’t tell myself that sometimes, people just won’t like you, or that not everything out of my mouth has to be comedy gold. That doesn’t seem to be good enough for me.

I have some friends that don’t mind sacrificing a little dignity to get a laugh or a reaction. I am so envious of them and their carefree attitude. I’ll never be the “look at me, look at me!” type, but I would love to be able to make a pratfall, growl like Chewbacca or sing out loud in public and not care about what other people are thinking.

This may be something that happens to everyone as they get older; who knows. You would think it would be the opposite, that when you start to get older, you give less and less of a crap about how others looked at you. Old people don’t seem to give a rat’s ass what they say, how they say it, or if they fart in a crowded room. In the end, who cares? They aren’t hurting anyone, really.

So, I am saying it here, I am not going to care so much anymore about what I say, how I say it, and who hears it. Of course, I’m not going to start walking around hurling racial slurs or derogatory comments at people, but my fear of someone thinking I’m stupid should not be enough to curtail my creativity or sense of fun. There will always be detractors, in fact, I’m sure there are people out there who don’t like me already. Hell, the internet is nothing but message boards full of people who hate everyone and everything. I, myself, have posted comments about people or movies or tv shows that I don’t care for. But, people listened to comments like that, no one would make music, tv shows or movies!

This is years and many layers to get through, people, so don’t expect me to do a complete 180, but I will try. Silly Sandi has been unleashed. Ask me about my Chewie impression.

We're Done!

So we managed to finish this crazy experiment and what we are left with is a collection of tunes we can be proud of. I think it has exceeded our own expectations in what we're capable of and it definately shows off how much we've improved over that wedding CD we did. There is still a lot we could have done with the songs and so much we should have done but since "time can't give you back the years that you've been missing" pretty much sums up the theme of the album, I'll be eating my own words if I dwell on it too much.

Unfortunatly the RPM site no longer lets you upload your songs once the challenge is over so you'll have to keep bugging us until we send you a copy if you want to hear it. Maybe it'll appear in the RPM Jukebox once they recieve the album (it's currently in the mail), who knows.

Anyways, we hope you'll get the opportunity to listen to it soon and tell us what you think.

Weight loss, workouts, and what to eat

March 1st. Hard to believe that the first two months of 2009 are over.

As most people know, I have been on an exercise/eat better/quit smoking plan since November of last year. In that time I have lost roughly 25 pounds (maybe more as I never did know my weight going in) and I have gained some amount of muscle mass.

As it is the beginning of a new month and tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, I think it's time to try a few more changes.

For one, I am going to eliminate diet cola. That's going to be hard, as Dad drinks it himself and besides water that is usually all that is around here to drink.

(As a side note; again as most people know, I am living at home, and with freelance work coming in slowly and inconsistently, moving out on my own is not really an option at the moment. So, that obviously presents several challenges. I have to ask for certain things when Dad makes a trip to the grocery store. Now these are things that neither Mom nor Dad will eat/drink, etc. Its not easy or cheap to eat, let alone eat healthy. But so far Mom and Dad have been very understanding and supportive of these changes. But I digress...)

In place of diet cola I will try and drink more water. I also am going to try & drink Crystal Light (comes in handy 500ml pouches). I'll still have my daily cup(s) of tea. Not nearly as many as Dave Penney though!

As for food, I have to make a better effort to eat more fruit. Vegetables as well. I have made some very small strides in that area, as I now eat tomato & lettuce on subs (something I never ever used to do).

Another area I am going to work on is snacks, especially late-night snacks. Now this is an area I'm sure people will differ vastly on. Not only over what you should eat, but when you should eat.

Being a night owl, I am usually up until at least 2am. That's pretty much my TV time; watching re-runs of House, The Simpson's and Family Guy. And when I watch TV I like to have something to munch on. No reason it can't be fruit I suppose. But as much as I want to lose weight, I am not going to totally deprive myself of food I enjoy.

To that end I've been trying to replace chips with popcorn. And it's worked for the most part. I still have too many lapses though, and before I know it I'm halfway through a bag of chips. (Ketchup are usually my favorite flavor). Along with the popcorn, I'm trying whole grain nachos and salsa. As I said, no need to deprive yourself.

It's all about moderation.

As for exercise, my weight training with Jason (aka BG [Baby Gibblets], aka BAG [Baby Audio Gibblets], aka BUG [Baby Uncle Gibblets]) is going really well. Where I am falling down slightly (still!) is with cardio. So starting tomorrow, and on that advice of BG, I am going to try to increase my speed on the treadmill.

I figure if I can get these elements all together I'll see some more weight come off in the next month.

One can only hope!