Poetry? Part Seven

A love song

Afraid
Of the things you say
Unsure
Of each new day
I’m scared
Of what I may do
I’m uncertain
Of what to say to you

I want to love you
I want to be with you
But the fear is too strong
I’ve been hurt for too long
I know you’re confused
I know you’re hurt

But I will always love you

Lonely
Sitting by myself
Saddened
By your picture on the shelf
I want to call you
I want to hear your voice
I know that I can’t
I’ve already made my choice

I want to love you
I want to be with you
But the fear is too strong
I’ve been hurt for too long
I know you’re confused
I know you’re hurt

But I will always love you


Worried
That you will forget
Confused
By the feelings that I get
I think about you now
My heart is filled with love
What can I do?
What will you say?

I want to love you
I want to be with you
But the fear is too strong
I’ve been hurt for too long
I know you’re confused
I know you’re hurt

But I will always love you

Only time can tell
How we will end up
Maybe we can be together
Right now I can’t take it
I know you are angry
But no matter what

I will always love you

Poetry? Part Six

Outside/Inside

Outside
Warm
Sunny
Happy
The sun is shining
The sky is blue
The air smells fresh

Inside
Cold
Dark
Dreary
The lights are off
The walls are gray
The air smells damp

Inside
The lights are on
The walls are blue
The air smells fresh
Warm
Sunny
Happy

Outside
The sun is hiding
The sky is gray
The air smells damp
Cold
Dark
Dreary

Spring
Renewal
Rebirth
Shake off the sorrow
Welcome the smiles
A time to start over
A time to forget

Until winter comes again

A Bull Story

I promise I wont turn this into one of those annoying blogs that just posts videos from YouTube and says how cool everything is, but here is the most popular YouTube video in Ireland. It's not bull, this is from the main evening news program on RTE the state broadcaster. I think with all the recession stories the country needed a laugh.

All I Have To Do Is Dream

I always used to be so envious of those people who remembered their dreams. I mean, it isn’t as though I didn’t sleep enough to have dreams! Everyone who knows me knows I’m quite a fan of the late-morning lie-in. I just never had those dreams where I would wake up and think, “Hmm. A unicorn flew down from heaven and gave me a jelly donut. What does that mean?”

If I did remember my dreams, they would be quite literal. If I had an exam, the night before I would dream that I missed it, went to the wrong room, studied the wrong subject, or something similar. I would dream about work, or watching tv or something like that. I actually have had dreams where I was sitting at my work desk, my phone rang, and I answered it. A customer would ask me for a serial number, I would give it to him, and that would be it. Imaginative, no?

I had friends with dream diaries and dream books so they could decipher what the various strange details of their nighttime reveries meant. Who was the strange man in the corner? Why did they go through the red door? It all had some hidden meaning. Me? I got customer calls. I don’t think the dream book had much to say about that.

Lately, though, I have been having strange dreams. I don’t always remember them, but details do stick out in my mind. I had one dream recently, where 5 numbers kept flashing in front of my eyes. I don’t know what they meant in the dream I was having, but you’d better believe I played the lotto that week. Needless to say, I didn’t win anything, but it certainly was worth a shot. My theory on that is that 6-49 and Super 7 requires you to choose 6 and 7 numbers respectively, so after playing my 5 supposedly prophetic numbers, I would have to play other numbers at random. Which ones do I pick? It’s a bit of a conundrum.

Last week, I had a dream about a web site I created. Yes, I know, yet another exciting and obscure dream. I dreamt that I created a web site where people would submit their writing to me, whether it be poems, short stories, general musings, and I would post them. I would contact publishers or the publishers would contact me and we would work to get them published. I saw the website in such fine detail, it was weird. I had such a great feeling about what it represented and what I was doing. Since I have been thinking about doing something like this in real life, there’s no surprise I dreamt about it.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately about how it would be to work in Publishing. It would satisfy my crazy, Grammar Nazi ways as well as nourishing the writer in me. I would love to be a part of making someone’s dreams of becoming a published writer come true. So, you’re saying to yourself, get off your arse and apply for some publishing jobs, Stupid! Well, sure, that only makes sense, but I do lack certain necessary qualifications for said publishing jobs, like an English degree, or any experience in the industry. I don’t see my in-depth knowledge of Corel product part numbers as helpful to me in this endeavour.

So, I’ve been thinking about turning our humble blog into some sort of hub for my writer/photog/artist/musician friends. I would love for it to become more. I don’t know what the ‘more’ means yet, but I would love it to be something akin to my dream, where we could turn our writing into actual published work. There are many details to consider and work out, but I think it’s worth a try. A few of us Noseworthys have written blog posts about the lack of creative jobs and having to consider ‘regular’ jobs and be a writer on the side. Well, we could also take matters into our own hands and make something happen. No one’s going to come knocking on our door unless we put ourselves out there.

Soon, I’ll be emailing friends and acquaintances who would have something to offer our little blog, and hopefully, we can begin to post their work here too. I’ll get the siblings to do the same, and maybe we can start our own little community of creative people. It seemed to work in my dream! Hopefully I can make this one dream come true.

I also have this recurring dream where a very close friend of mine shoots me in the head. What do you think that means? Look that one up in your dream books!!

Casting for Pods

This week, Paul and I discuss the weird phenomenon that is Susan Boyle, what can or can't be considered 'art', condoms, and we share our Top 5 Guilty Pleasures. Check us out!

http://sandiandpaulcast.podbean.com.

Cuffer Prize

Just putting this out there for anyone interested:

The Telegram is once again having a writing contest, The Cuffer Prize.

I won't waste space giving more details, as everything you would need to know is available on the web page.

These are the prize winners from last year's contest:

3rd place

2nd place

1st place

Coming Home

A very big decision, no question about it.

And I can see why you and Sandi want to come home.

But, as you well know, I am still out of work. It will soon be a year without a job. The economy is suffering world-wide right now. And Newfoundland has always been a funny job market. There is lots of work, but it's lower-end jobs that none of us want to be doing. We are all over-qualified for a lot of the jobs, and in some cases, under-qualified. The good thing about being where you both are is that with more people comes more opportunity. Coming home, that is going to change drastically.

I'm feeling the opposite of what you are both feeling. If something doesn't change soon, I am going to have to leave. There are very few writing jobs here. At least if I go abroad (AKA outside NL), there will be more jobs.

I don't want to go. I really don't. My roots are here. My friends are here. And most of my family are here. But no money and no opportunity equals having to take drastic action.

Having said that, things always seem to come around. I'm sure if I stay here they will eventually. But how long can I continue to do that?

A Big Decision Part 2

In the midst of making the decision to go home, I've thought about the strange irony of the whole thing. In many ways, I have more opportunity, and can have a better life, right where I am now, rather than in Canada. Studying and teaching English is a huge business; its pretty much a necessity for most people in the world to know English. Thus, jobs are plentiful, and not ridiculously hard to find. Most jobs require a university degree in any discipline. For some of the higher end jobs, you do need experience and/or ESL teaching credentials, but I have these.

Consider what I would have to do to teach in NL. First, complete my "honors" BA. Second, complete my B.Ed. Third, probably complete a M.Ed. Fourth, get on the "substitute list". Fifth, hope something long term comes along. Worth it? I'm not sure.

I could "parlay" my business/accounting education into a job, but here again, what would it be? Probably a junior accounting clerk (in other words, data-entry). Worth it? Not sure.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with these jobs/career paths, but I just don't know how willing I am to do these things.

Consider the cost of living. I admit that some foreign teaching jobs "spoil" people, in a way, so that a lot of the things necessary for life back home aren't necessary here. Can you believe I've never owned a car in my life? Probably the average person my age would have owned at least 3-4 cars by now, if not more. Owning a car here, however, would be ridiculously unnecessary, and I've never missed having one. Most schools, too, will pay for housing...so the need to buy/rent a house is removed.

I'm not saying these things to brag...just to show how woefully unprepared I am for living in my own country. Somehow, I don't think a lot of people will be impressed with the fact that I was teaching English abroad for the past 8 years.

A Big Decision

Well, I've made the decision to go back home and see what I can make of myself. As I mentioned before, I was laid off in January (a jarring event even if I disliked the job at heart), and since then, haven't been able to decide what to do. We've had constant discussions about what we should do, and finally we decided that I would go home first, try to find a job/settle down etc, and then she can follow when things are "normal".

If this sounds strange, its because a Chinese citizen needs a visa to get into Canada, and to get this, she needs a sponsor (i.e. someone who will "be responsible" for her, money wise, when she comes to Canada). If I want to be the sponsor, it would be better if I was settled down, had a job, etc, rather than just doing it with no guarantee of the future.

Herein lies the difficulty. Visa processing can take anywhere up to 6 months, so separation is inevitable. We just don't see any other better way, however...if we're going to establish ourselves back home, it needs to be secure. We debated various options, but this one seems to be the best. Actually, I don't know if anything is "the best"; I just do what I have to do.

For me, its not a simple matter of just moving back home, either. I've lived abroad for about 8 years now, and am a visitor to my own country. I don't have any health coverage (free, that is) or any job/purchasing history in Canada going back 8 years. All of this will have to be re-established.

Living abroad was my choice, and I'm not in any way dissatisfied with it. I got married abroad. Thanks to the low cost of living, I was able to travel to interesting places I would never have dreamed of going, to eliminate all of my debt (except for some minor credit card bills), and to buy a house (which isn't even finished yet, but that's another story). Being out of the country has been very good to me, you might say.

Therein lies the other difficulty. What if I come home and am a "failure" (whatever that might be)? What if I can't establish myself? What if I have to "slink off with my tail between my legs" back to Asia? The self-doubting questions go on and on.

This has been an incredibly difficult decision for me to make. If I was single, I wouldn't care so much, but I have to take another into account in this. I have to constantly remind myself that nothing, no matter how bad it seems, is the end of the world, and that, sometimes, a little hardship is necessary before good things can happen.

If you're among those who pray, slip in a little intercession for us and this decision.

(BTW, I didn't reveal my wife's name not because I'm being rude, but to keep it from "online"...anyone who matters knows it anyway).

Cape Spear

I got a new laptop recently and it has led me to go through all my old photos again and salvage ones that I didn't pay much attention to previously. Here is one of Cape Spear from my first trip to The Rock. We must visit there again in the summer, though Lauren wants to show me Bonavista and other parts of the island that I haven't seen yet. Any suggestions for other scenic places to visit?

Coffee

Sometimes after a three day weekend when you return to work you need coffee more than on any other work day. Last weekend I found the nicest cup of coffee in Dublin, from a stall in a farmers food market. It's probably a long way from Canada to Dublin on a Monday morning for a cup of coffee, but if you like your caffeine then you'll do what it takes to get your hit :-)

Poetry? Part Five

Another poem. Not getting many comments on them; I would really like to get feedback on these, as I may send some of them to get published.

I borrowed the sun for my project

I borrowed the sun for my project.
It was early in the morning.
He was free for a few hours.
He had already shone down on the masses.
He could spare me a few hours.
The sun tried to cram himself in my house.
But he couldn’t.
Not completely.
His rays shot out of the windows.
The doors.
Every crack and crevice in my house was alight.
I told him not to worry.
I only needed him for a few hours.
So he agreed.
We worked all day on my project.
It was tiring.
But the sun never faltered.
His rays shone as bright as they ever had.
Brilliant.
Powerful.
Breathtaking.
Suddenly, it was late.
I knew it was well past the sun’s bedtime.
He usually went to sleep around 8pm.
Now it was almost 9.
He left in a hurry.
Rays bouncing everywhere.
Light reflecting off of the mirror in the hall.
The heat he bore quickly slipping into the cool of the evening.
He left without saying goodbye.
The next day I went looking for the sun.
He was no where to be seen.
The day was blanketed in gray.
The sky was one large sheet of gloom.
The horizon was sad.
I sat alone, staring through the window of my house.
No sun.
My project was stalled.
It stayed that way for three whole days.
The sun never came out.
The gray sky sat firm while the sun took a break.
My project withered slightly.
But it did not break.
I sat in the same spot.
Waiting for the sun.
I watched the gray sky.
I followed the gray people.
I looked with pity at the blooming gray flowers.
I looked with sorrow at the swaying gray trees.
Three whole days passed.
No sun.
Lots of gray.
More gloom and melancholy.
Then early on the fourth day, the sun came.
He appeared slowly over the horizon.
His rays peering slowly across my front yard.
The slate of gray that was the sky was gone.
The gray flowers were a burst of yellow, red and pink.
The green of the trees swayed slightly in the early morning breeze.
I smiled.
I wanted to ask the sun about resuming my project.
My project had sat dormant for three whole days.
I needed the sun’s help in finishing it.
But as I gazed up at his ever-growing brilliance, I knew.
I knew that I had no need to ask him for his help.
The sun was already helping me.
His return that morning was a sign.
I could borrow the sun for my project whenever I wanted.

Lucky Number Seven

It's Sandi&Paulcast #7! There's a little bit of adult content this time, so cover your ears, Mom! We're also introducing a new regular feature, and we need some feedback and some help for future casts, so let us know what you think.

My Skills in Fotawgrafee

Here's a pic snapped this afternoon of the trees in "our" courtyard, located in the breathtakingly beautiful garden city of Beijing.

A link to make you think

An interesting link for anyone looking for places to submit some writing.

http://www.placesforwriters.com/

I scrolled down through the list, some worthwhile stuff there. Worth checking out if you have something you want to get out there.

Poetry? Part Four

Another poem.

ALONE

ONE
Being alone for so many years,
Life has gone a certain way.
Hard to hide the mounting fears,
Difficult to know what to say.

TWO
Easy to be happy in some cases,
Easier to be sad for the rest.
Most people think that he fits in best
When he shows those happy faces.

THREE
Feeling like no one understands,
Thinking that no one can see my side,
Crushed by the need to meet the demands,
Losing my dignity and my pride.

FOUR
Sitting in the dim light, always thinking.
Dreaming of the things that will happen some day.
Need some guidance to show me the way.
To keep my life from slowly sinking.

FIVE
Ignore the bad and focus on the good.
Don’t think of things in a negative light.
I know its right, I know I should.
Instead I make each decision a fight.

SIX
Lost in a maze that never ends.
Mind clouded with things I want to say.
Time to turn inward, time to pray,
And lean on the support of my close friends.

SEVEN
Breaking away from dark words,
Looking at things in a more positive light.
Gazing upwards at the soaring birds,
Amazed at their effortless flight.

EIGHT
Looking back at how far I’ve come,
Where I was is far from where I am.
With anger it’s easier to damn,
I know I’ve angered some.

NINE
Time to turn things around,
And start to take control.
There are plenty of chances abound,
To help make my life whole.

TEN
No more holding things at bay,
No sense to wait.
Mark down the date,
I begin my new life today.

A Geoff/Glenn/Kevin Podcast?

Yes we are copying. We freely admit it. We stole the idea from Sandi & Paul.

Myself, Glenn Myrick and Kevin Layman have our own podcast.

We did our first episode yesterday.

Visit the link (click "A Geoff/Glenn/Kevin Podcast?"),have a listen and leave a comment.

Lovecast!!

Check out our new podcast. Paul and I discuss anniversaries, high school crushes and broken hearts, and our hatred of Nickelback. It's a real insight into the Sandi and Paul universe. It's really not as scary as that sounds.

http://sandiandpaulcast.podbean.com.

Poetry? Part Three

Another poem I am experimenting with.

Moving Forward

ONE
Walking
Into an unknown space
Not knowing where I’m going
Not knowing the pace
Taking careful steps
My feet touch ground with care
Eyes dart left to right, and up and down
Until I’m more aware

TWO
Running
Up a steep hill
I can see where I am going
Just can’t seem to get there
Taking careful steps
My feet pound the ground with force
Eyes focus on what’s straight ahead
Because I’m more aware

THREE
Strolling
Along an even plane
No clue where I am going
There is no rhythm to my pace
Taking careless steps
My feet drag along the road
Eyes empty and full of dreams
I don’t know where to go

FOUR
Crawling
Along a darkened path
Can’t tell where I am headed
My legs shake with fear
My hands touch the ground carefully
Eyes see only black
I can’t go anywhere

FIVE
Standing
At the place that I belong
My mind is wide open
I can see where I went wrong
Feet planted firmly on the ground
Head held high
I know I’ve made the right choices
I’ve been moving forward all along